Duckhunter's Blind

Part I: Quote of the day

2009-12-14T17:33:07Z

Yeah, I know it's still not over, but nothing is going to top this...

"Most people with misspent youths have illegitimate children or tattoos or scars. I have a semester of bad French...."

Yes, I'm a delinquent. Mea Maxima Fucking Culpa.

-DH

And more Kitty Movie Madness

2009-12-08T05:09:04Z

When N-n-n-nephew heard Roomie suggest using 'Sweet Georgia Brown' for the background music for the kitty video in my previous post, he was inspired...

So, since he wanted to put 'his music' to the video using the tools that YouTube gives you (thereby making your video into an ad for the music playing in your video...), he did so.

And here it is...

I like the song he chose, but (as I said when I was talking to him about it), "That doesn't invoke images of the whimsical kitty playing with a cute fuzzy mouse. It invokes images of the whimsical kitty playing with razor blades and black eyeliner..."

Still... I suppose he tried.

-DH

It's late, but y'all gotta see this.

2009-12-07T06:44:57Z

Nothing major, cool, or groundbreaking. OMGCUTEKITTY on YouTube.

Thank you, N-n-n-nephew.

-DH

Part I: Hate is the only thing that keeps me going somedays....

2009-11-18T20:05:31Z

It starts with:

From: [Co-Worker]
Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:13 AM
To: duckhunter
Subject: FW: FedEx Shipment ############ Delivered

It says it was “delivered” and I am the recipient, but I have not seen it.

________________________________________
From: TrackingUpdates@fedex.com [mailto:TrackingUpdates@fedex.com]
Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:11 AM
To: [Co-Worker]
Subject: FedEx Shipment ############ Delivered

________________________________________________________________________________
This tracking update has been requested by:
Company Name: [Company]
Name: [Company rep]
________________________________________________________________________________
Our records indicate that the following shipment has been delivered:
Ship (P/U) date: Nov 17, 2009
Delivery date: Nov 18, 2009 9:07 AM
Sign for by: [Receptionist]
Delivered to: Receptionist/Front Desk
Service type: FedEx International Priority

And moves on to...

From: duckhunter
Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:15 AM
To: [Co-Worker]
Subject: RE: FedEx Shipment ############ Delivered

It was signed for by [Receptionist] about 7 minutes ago. I’ll go get it checked in.

-DH

Which then leads to:

From: [Co-Worker]
Sent: Wednesday, November 18, 2009 9:13 AM
To: duckhunter
Subject: RE: FedEx Shipment ############ Delivered

No worries. I assumed it was here somewhere.

Now, that's where the e-mails end. Sadly, I wasn't allowed to hunt down the passive-agressive sonofabitch and give him a Happy Send-Off to Hell [WARNING: Very Graphic Comic Book Violence - May be NSFW].

Dammit.

-DH

Part I: Primarily for redjo, but true regardless

2009-11-16T16:55:43Z

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Eyup.

-DH

Part I: At least this is only my third Monday this week...

2009-11-06T17:30:07Z

You know you're going to have a bad day when you walk into an office, look around, and your boss groans, "Oh my god. Is that boob juice?"

-DH

One less Bratoween to deal with...

2009-11-01T05:00:14Z

Well, it's over.

Even though N-N-N-Nephew was grounded, he barely finangled an 'evening pass' to get his trick or treating done.

Sadly, the finangling wound up with him not putting a lot of effort forth today to work on things that would result in me paying him. So, not only is he not getting paid, he's earned two weeks more of groundation. He could have gotten out of a weeks' work of it had he just rode the exercise bike for 20 minutes, but appearantly that was too stressful.

However, he did come home with a bunch of homemade mini-bundt-cakes from a neighboring apartment complex...

Duckhunter: Let's take a look at your haul.
N-N-N-Nephew: I didn't do too bad. Also, the wrappers in my bucket were from out in the hallway. I picked things up a bit.
DH: That was nice of you.
N-N-N-N: [BEAM!]
DH: Hmmm. I see a bunch of stuff we need to throw out.
N-N-N-N: What?!?
DH: See these cakes. I don't know what they are.
N-N-N-N: The lady said they were pumpkin muffins.
DH: Okay. Who was the lady?
N-N-N-N: Uhhhh. I dunno.
DH: Exactly. Since we don't know, we toss them out. They're not store-sealed, and we don't know who made them.
N-N-N-N: Awwww...
DH: [pulls out 8 packages] Man, that gal must of liked you a lot.
N-N-N-N: It wasn't that. All my friends gave them to me when their parents' wouldn't let them have them.
DH: ...
DH: So, you didn't think it was funny that you were getting the stuff that everyone else couldn't have?
N-N-N-N: Nope.
DH: What makes you think that I, as a parent, am going to let you get away with things that no other parent does?
N-N-N-N: I dunno.
DH: [sighs and throws away the cakes]

Anyone want a kid cheap? I'd offer to give you the ~~blood~~ ~~bribery~~ ~~bounty~~ stipend money that N-N-N-Nephew's former state is supposed to pay, but they haven't paid me yet. For September.

But I'm not bitter...

Anyway, here's a couple of pics of N-N-N-Nephew's Halloween get-up. I didn't do the high-and-tight like I wanted, but the hair still mostly works...

Clicky on Piccy for full sized 'AUTHORITAY!'.

-DH

-DH

By Request...

2009-10-25T18:59:58Z

Today sucks. So here's a picture of Angel in a bag.

-DH

Part I: Next time, I'll turn your scalp inside out.

2009-10-22T20:50:07Z

N-N-N-Nephew pushes me one step closer to one of the 'cides - Homocide or suicide. He is getting his school picture done today, so last night before bed we went over his morning checklist:

Duckhunter:Okay. So, get a grocery bag for your good shirt and tie.
N-N-N-Nephew:Why?
DH:Because you need to have something to carry it around in so it doesn't get dirty.
N-N-N-N:I was just going to wear it underneath my school polo. [Note: His school requires a 'uniform' of a grey polo shirt.]
DH:Uhhh. You're going to wear a collared polo shirt *over* a button-up dress shirt and tie?
N-N-N-N:Yeah.
DH:Uh. No. No-no-no-no. There will be no dual-collaring in this household.
N-N-N-N:But [Principal of School] said we could wear the dress clothes.
DH:I don't care what she said. I will not allow you to become a bigger abomination than you already are.
N-N-N-N:Awwww.
DH:Can that 'Awww' crap and just do it. Also, you can use the bag to carry your comb or brush.
N-N-N-N:I don't have one.
DH:I don't care if it's a comb or brush - just take whatever you want.
N-N-N-N:I don't have either.
DH:[blink, bink, blink] Huhwasuh?
N-N-N-N:I know I had one before I got my haircut in July. But since I got my hair cut short, I don't know what happened to my comb.
DH:What have you been doing with your hair?
N-N-N-N:Just patting it down while it's wet.
DH:[deep cleansing breath] And it never occured to you that you might tell me that you have no way of combing your hair, even after the last time we went grocery shopping, you insisted on getting dandruff shampoo? Shampoo, I would like to add, you still have yet to use as you insist upon using your old non-dandruff stuff first.
N-N-N-N:No.
DH:[facepalm] Fine. Go into the bathroom and sit on the stool. I'll be back in as soon as I get the clippers.
N-N-N-N:What?!
DH:GIT!

And, sadly, I only cut his hair down to 5/8" instead of the "Scary Bald 'American X'" look I wanted to do. Sigh.

I got a small measure of happiness when I shaved off one of his back-zits when I was touching up the back of his neck.

N-N-N-Nephew:HEY!
Duckhunter:I think you need to use that back-brush I bought you, and we wouldn't have this issue.

I'm a sad, sad man. Not an apology - just an explaination.

-DH

Part I: Nothing to see here. Move along.

2009-10-15T15:08:15Z

Just showing off the icon.

And celebrating the fact that I think I may have found the perverbal 'stick' for N-N-N-Nephew. Now, to start hunting for said 'carrot'...

-DH

(EDIT: This was stolen from Krishna M. Sadasivam's Uncubed. Credit FTW.)

Part II: Oh! I Forgot Something!

2009-10-08T15:52:36Z

During his 20 minute reading time (which cost him another 20 minutes of reading time for interupting his reading), N-N-N-Nephew had a great idea about how to repair his bike.

Since he got the Extended Warranty for his new bike, he was going to take the tire from the old bike, and get a new one for free at Wal-Mart.

He didn't see anything wrong with this, after I explained the concept of 'fraud' to him, and also told him that most warranties don't cover (a) parts that wear out, like tires and (b) parts that are broken due to owner stupidity, like his tire.

He thought I was being unreasonable. I thought he'd look good in either a casket or an orange jumpsuit, but I couldn't decide which at the moment.

-DH

Part I: N-N-N-Nephew's Deathwish

2009-10-08T15:31:11Z

... and for once, it's not me that's going to kill him.

He has a new bike. However, he's still trying to bring the old bike back from the dead. I'm down with that - Everyone needs a hobby.

However, the more I find out about this bike, the more I'm wondering if he needs some anti-depressants to cope with his need to kill himself with two wheels.

He wrecked one pair of shoes because the brakes went out. He didn't tell me this until I asked him why he had holes in his 6-week-old sneakers. Flintstone Brakes were good enough for him.

That was Edict #1 - Thou shalt not Ride the Old Bike until the brakes are fixed and said fix was proven unto Me.

Well, N-N-N-Nephew finally scraped together enough money to get new brakes and a new brake cable. Last night, he got everything put on. One thing down.

He comes up to me, "Can I use some electrical tape to line the rim."

I thought about it. I've done worse repairs, but I figured a nice, proper liner would be better than tape. "Those spoke-nub-thingees are kinda high. You should get a proper liner."

[5 minutes of 'But WHY?' and 'I don't know how' teenaged debating cut for those who are driven crazy by it. Like me.]

I interrupt, "Listen. You need to get a liner. End of story."

"Fine. Can I at least used the electrical tape to fix my tire?"

Internal Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moment. "Uh. Show me the the tire."

The tire had a HOLE in it the size of a dime. That doesn't even count the patch the size of a dollar bill of rubber was was so worn, you could see the nylon support cording. This also doesn't count the assorted thin spots around the rest of the tire.

External Whiskey Tango Foxtrot moment: "What in the Hell are you doing to this?"

"Skidding. I like skidding."

"This cannot stand. This tire is trash, and you need to get a new tire, liner AND tube."

[Cut for more teenaged argument time]

At this point, The Ultimate Edict of Old Bike was issued. I didn't deliver this to N-N-N-Nephew sounding this pretty, but I like the way I worded this:

Yea, as it is spoken... nay, SHOUTED... that if one more unsafe or subpar repair was done on Old Bike, the Great Schwinn-Cruiser-Riding Valkyries would descend unto Midgard and carry Old Bike away to the Asgardian Green Dumpster, to die a proper death rather than the indignities and shame of looking like a cartoon reject.

I figure it's got maybe a month before I toss it.

-DH

Part I: I guess I'll have to try the electric start next.

2009-10-07T20:02:41Z

Been teaching N-N-N-Nephew about household chores. Now, he had to do some chores in his Former Place, but they were pretty much the same variation all the time - Spot the bathroom, scrub the toilet, and general dusting and tidying.

Monday was vaccuming. Last night - Mopping and cleaning litter boxes.

The conversation:

N-N-N-Nephew: So, how do you mop?
Duckhunter: You've never used a mop?
N-N-N-N: Nope.
DH: Okay. Well, you just get the mop, get it kinda wet, rub the floor really hard with it for a bit, dip it back in the mop bucket, and repeat until clean. Just like the cartoons.
N-N-N-N: [looking at mop, which is special self-wringing type] How do you do that?
DH: Well, first you have to kick-start the mop.
N-N-N-N: How do you do that?
DH: First, grab the handle of the mop. One hand on the pad up top, one hand about halfway between the mophead and the bottom of the grip-pad.
N-N-N-N: [Adjust grip] Okay. What's next?
DH: [Swift kick in the gluts (I was wearing socks, so don't freak.)] SHUT YOUR FACEHOLE AND MOP, DAMMIT!

This one is strong in the ways of slack. I will rebuild him from his own ashes.

Although I'm really second guessing my parenting skills at this point. Monday, I ended a conversation with N-N-N-Nephew with the phrase, "At this point, all I want to do to you is cave your face in with my fists."

Oh, and to show off some pics purrts just sent me... He assures me that these are real, and that the speeds involved were in the low 40's...

-DH

White. Why did she have to be WHITE?!?!

2009-09-28T02:04:21Z

Picked up a new addition to the household...

Meet Angel. A 4-ish year old female white kitty from the Denver Dumb Friends League.

Not my first choice, but the first choice all three of us could agree on....

She's a chatterbox, but quiet and very unSiamese like. She also doesn't like closed doors. She woke me up twice last night (her first night with us) in order to tell me that N-N-N-Nephew's door was closed, and it needed to be fixed right away.

I just petted her, said, "Mfhfshjfsfa, Angel, mdaearfladfph." and went back to sleep both times.

Medium hair, too, but she looks like a shorthair. She's extra fluffy.

Anyway, another picture in her new 'throne', right under a poster I've had for about 17 years now...

As always, clicky on piccy to get full-sized fuzz therapy.

-DH

Part II: By Request - More N-N-N-Nephew

2009-09-25T14:03:32Z

Last Sunday, I had to go up to Cheyenne to pick up medications for N-N-N-Nephew, which I have to do until we get all his stuff transferred over to Colorado. This is moving at the speed of Government, so I expect to have to go up there every couple of weekends for the next month or so.

Anyway, since I was in town around lunchtime, I called warmfuzziez, and we met at a decent little Chinese place by the King Soopers. She brought her mother with her.

Anyway, over the course of lunch, we started talking about vegetables. WF's Mom is a vegetarian, and N-N-N-Nephew wouldn't knowingly eat a vegetable even if it was deep-fried (Note to Self: Take that kid someplace to feed him some decent tempura).

Which led to this exclamation by me:

"Do you really want to grow up looking like me? Do you really have the burning desire to have B-cup man-titties and a belly-flap that blocks your winky?"

warmfuzziez is used to this out of me. Her mother - Not so much. She buried her face in her hands, eyes bugged out. She was having trouble breathing.

After she got control of herself, I asked, "So, what to do you think of my parenting technique?"

"Well... it certainly is blunt."

I like the idea of being a blunt instrument. Makes me feel good.

-DH

Part I: They really need maxi-pads for spam...

2009-09-25T13:43:02Z

From a recent IM Conversation:

purrts: I want to know how I got on the Kotex mailing list. [Wife] thinks it's funny that I get them once a month.
duckhunter: Taking [N-N-N-Nephew] to a baseball game this evening... and I get to torture him first. It's going to be a good day. :)
duckhunter: She put you on it. ;)
purrts: :D
purrts: Must be!
duckhunter: I figured you'd be spammed like hell for three days, and then all quiet for another month. ;)
duckhunter: Oh, yeah. This is going on LJ. ;)
duckhunter: Too good to pass up. :D

-DH

Part I: One of the pluses of fatherhood...

2009-09-23T18:04:35Z

On our way out to dinner last night, N-N-N-Nephew met some of his friends in the hallway. He made some snarky (but amusing) comments about me. Of course, I had to retaliate:

Me: Hey, boys. Did you know that [N-N-N-Nephew] eats his own poo.

N-N-N-Nephew: I DO NOT! DON'T BELIEVE HIM!

Me: C'mon, poo-eater. The rest of us want to go pick up some dinner.

So he meets another friend outside as we get to the car:

N-N-N-Nephew: DON'T LISTEN TO MY UNCLE! HE'S EVIL! AND EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A LIE!

Me: I just wanted to say that [N-N-N-Nephew] is a model citizen of exceptional character and intellegence, and may possibly be the finest person to walk the earth since Jesus Christ.

N-N-N-Nephew: AHHH!

I'm glad there are a couple of up-sides to this whole parenting gig. I also have nude pictures of N-N-N-Nephew back when he was cute and innocent which I plan on showing all of his dates. :)

N-N-N-Nephew is weak. But I am a patient forge. I will either break him or make him stronger.

Bwahahahah.

-DH

Part I: In an desperate effort to post more...

2009-09-10T23:28:08Z

When I eat curried beef and noodles, my butt-gas is hateful.

That is all.

-DH

Part I: Irony is a dish best served flambé....

2009-09-03T15:39:02Z

California, with some of the most 'comprehensive' anti-smoking laws and poilicies in the nation, is now killing me with it's second-hand smoke.

I'd sue the bastards if I thought they had any money. Maybe I can sue for Marin County....

-DH

Part I: I don't think this meeting is going to be as cool as it sounds.

2009-08-31T14:19:18Z

I was scanning the reservation calendars for the conference rooms here at work this morning, and I stumbled on the following:

Subversion Administration Training

Any way you parse it, it sounds kinda cool.

Then I looked at the invitees.... Nope. No cool at all. Bummer.

-DH

duckhunter @ 2009-08-27T14:54:00

2009-08-27T20:59:47Z

I think I just found a corollary to Luce's Kindness Theorem ("No Good Deed Goes Unpunished.")

It's said that Hard Work Is It's Own Reward. Therefore, Hard Work Brings More Hard Work. However, because there has been more effort expended, we need to pad that a bit. So, I present:

The Reward of Hard Work is More Hard Work and Greater Expectations.

No wonder the human beast gets tempted by Socialism from time to time. Eeeesh.

-DH

Part I: In which I prove that points isn't the only one who talks to me...

2009-08-25T16:47:45Z

... although after this gets out, I think nimipard will stop talking to me.

nimirpard: I have a second work computer, but it is tied up with the penetration test work.

duckhunter: Kinky.

nimirpard: I knew you were going to say that.

nimirpard: I knew it as I typed it, and I sent it anyway.

duckhunter: Well, what else am I supposed to think when you mention 'Tied up' and 'penetration' in the same friggin' sentence...

nimirpard: I love my hardware, but I don't LOVE my hardware.

duckhunter: Oooh. This convo is going LJ... ;)

-DH

Part I: Of Wasps and Men...

2009-08-20T16:58:20Z

points: "Commenting on his own experience, one researcher described the pain as "immediate, excruciating pain that simply shuts down one's ability to do anything, except, perhaps, scream. Mental discipline simply does not work in these situations."

duckhunter: Was that a movie review of G.I. Joe?

points: Talking about one of the more painful types of wasp stings known to man. Tarantula Hawk Wasp.

duckhunter: Eyup. Have you seen those things?

points: I think I may have.

duckhunter: Their stingers actually warp visual light. In actuality, the stingers are nearly 1800 feet long...

points laughs!

duckhunter: They just *look* like they're 1-3 inches long. ;)

-DH

Part I: General Bitchiness

2009-08-14T17:18:29Z

First off, The Road To Success, a turn of the century-ish illustration that I really like. I do like the fact that you can do ALMOST everything wrong, and still reach the goal - It just takes a bit more work.

As for the general bitchiness... Well, it's kind of general.

See, I've set up myself to become a pretty damn good generalist, and that skill set is why I have a rather nice paying job that I (for the most part) rather enjoy. So, because I do so many things acceptably well, I understand the effort and talent it takes to do something really well.

Over the past couple of months, I've been around conversations and journal entries and blog rants about people getting what they deserve for their skills. I'm fine with that, but they tend to do it in a way that comes off as elitist or (in one case) using my job as an example of an 'job that's easy to compare with outside norms' unlike their job, which is so incredibly specialized that they are the only one that can do the work in the world.

Good thing my self-esteem is small and covered in scars and calluses. I didn't feel any pain, only indignation. Sadly, I was too shocked at what he said to react adequately.

The sad part about all this - If I really tear into what some of these people said - I'm just as much of the problem as they are. I'm placing myself (and my opinion) above theirs, regardless of how much I feel it's justified.

Damn it. One of these days, I'll actually try to be a proper part of Interwebical Culture, and attack things blindly and without remorse. Just so I can be like the other cool kids.

But, until then... I'll just be cleaning my rifle, and waiting for the voices in my head to come to a useful consensus.

-DH

The long promised Update of Friedboy

2009-08-10T04:10:00Z

So. Update. Yeah.

Well, as a good portion of you know, I'm in the process of getting my step-nephew to live with me.

To those who didn't know - Surprise!

Since N-N-N-Nephew lives in another state from me, we've had to get two state agencies working together to make this happen.

Oh, yeah. You already get the picture.

Basically, I've been doing everything I can on my end in Colorado to aid the transition. I've already gone through all the home-visit stuff (although that has to get updated - more on that in a minute), take the foster care classes (again) and move to a larger apartment that has a room for the bratling.

See, I assumed that since Nephewstate and Colorado were talking, that everything was progressing smoothly. Strike one.

Colorado assumed that Nephewstate was keeping me in the loop. In their defense, because he is a ward of Nephewstate, Nephewstate has to do all the 'driving', as he was in a special high-structure group home. They still get Strike Two, although that one was right on the edge of the strike zone.

Nephewstate. Ahhhh, Nephewstate.

N-N-N-Nephew's caseworker (whom we'll call Santamonious Twat, or ST, for the remainder of this update) made things quite interesting. The last I heard from him was in April, when he told me that the court-approved date for the handover to me was July 24th. I poked him in early June to ask about schooling (at this stage, I had no idea what the plan was - there were several options put forth, but I was never knew what was decided. I was told that there was plenty of time to worry about schooling after I got him..

School around these parts starts on August 24th - and that was public school. So, I assumed that they had a plan going, but hadn't finalized anything yet. Once again, I waited.

The Monday before I was to pick N-N-N-Nephew up, I send out a last e-mail to all the contacts I had - Colorado, Nephewstate, and N-N-N-Nephew's school. Got an e-mail from School that said, "Well, we're all ready to go here." Got a message from Colorado that said, "Oh, since Nephewstate hasn't contacted us in six months, we figured things were already resolved differently, so we closed the case."

Strike Three. With a beanball.

So, I sent an nice, albeit terse, e-mail asking, point blank, what was going on. The response from ST was, "Oh, since you have plans of summer activities to do with him, you can handle that until school starts." When I mentioned that the 'plans' I gave him nine months prior were based upon things that could happen in addition to whatever special-needs schooling was needed (note that he was in a high-structure group home/schooling situation - he's never been to public school and the highest class size he ever had was eight kids - with a teacher and a classroom aide), I was told, essentially, "Well, you *said* you'd do these things..."

So, I was less than five days to getting a kid, and I had no school plan, no plan to deal with him during the time I was at work (they knew I was, essentially, a single parent. Roomie agreed to help, but he also said he didn't want to be in the 'chain-of-command' - I don't blame him.) and I wasn't even sure if there was any programs or schooling in Colorado that he would qualify for, since his case down here was closed.

Long story short, there was much, much yelling over phones and e-mails. ST continued to push for me to drop N-N-N-Nephew in the local Boys & Girls Club, even though it was gettting ready to close for three weeks before school for remodling ON TOP of the fact that I didn't think the B&GC would even take him with his medication schedule.
Oh, and all this was happening from when I was moving from old address to present address (So, if you want/need my contact info (and you haven't already got it), poke me here or at duckhunter@livejournal.com.)

In a word, I became rather crispy.

However, things are looking up. Colorado has did an 'emergency' re-opening of his case, which got the school-ball rolling. Because I was all certified and ready to go before, N-N-N-Nephew's Colorado caseworker just has to visit us (scheduled for Thursday), look around the place, and that should be all that's needed to re-approve me. ST even found respite foster-care during the week for N-N-N-Nephew (even if it's in Nephewstate, a multi-hour trip each way to drop him off and pick him up), so I won't be missing much more work (I had to take a week of emergency leave to care for him until this was straightened out, and I'll have do make some other days off, such as for the home visit and school registration and the like.)

This is actually a pretty sanitized version of what happened/is happening. I'm sure I'll mention details as I go long, but at least you've got the basics of what has been going on with me the past month, and why I've been a smidge more surly.

Oh. N-N-N-Nephew's needs, in case you're curious. While most of his conditions are mild, they all kinda add up. ADHD, OCD, RAD, Anxiety disorder (no specifics on my paperwork), as well as a Prader-Willi phenotype. He's on a stimulant (ADHD) as well as two different psychotropics (everything else). This is a huge drop of what he was on 18 months ago, which gives me hope that he's 'growing' out of the worst of his disorders, and he can live a drug-free adult life. Crossing fingers.

-DH